As I reach the top of the barren hill, overlooking the small town, I spot my destination. A small white house, distinctly poorer than the rest. An insignificant eyesore to many, yet a piece of my heart and history. But it’s not that house. It’s what’s inside. A gal who drives me mad. At one point, driving me so crazy, I nearly faced death by a heart attack. And yet now, I stand with death at my heels.
Wearing my uniform and about ready to depart for my mission, I don’t know if I’ll be back at this place ever again after today. She never wanted me to go to war. Is it selfish of her? Yes. This is something I’ve got to do. But I understand where she’s coming from. She doesn’t want to lose me. I don’t want to lose her. But I have to do this for myself. For my country. For family. For her. She thinks it’s all choice, when for me, it’s everything but. It’s a force that must be dealt with.
I’m in love with her. I hate to say that there are more important things than her. But there exists certain things that are larger than the both of us. I have a deep need to protect that. In doing what I feel compelled to, I also protect her.
She doesn’t understand.
The last time we talked about it, it nearly ripped me in two. A man standing at six-two, I’d shrunken down to about five-five. I couldn’t look at her crying like that without wanting to do anything I could to make her stop. It kills me I can’t give her the one thing she wants. Me.
Having a seat on the top of the hill, bringing my knees to my chest, I bury my face in my hands. The last look she gave me is permanently etched in my mind. I can’t bare the thought of seeing it in person again or the crying. I fear I may not go through with what I am set out to do.
To say goodbye or to not? She doesn’t deserve to be left at all, but I have to go. I’m fighting with myself about what’s the best choice of action.
I take out a lined note from my pack and start putting words to paper. The black words seem stark against the light colored paper. Still not finding the right words several minutes later, I crumple it at my side and throw it to the dirt.
I start walking towards the little white house.
And then my feet abruptly turn me around. I’m walking back up the hill. Away from the house. Away from her. It’s the complete opposite of what I want to do. All the while as I make my hike further and further away, I know that I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, but I can’t move myself to do any differently. All is not fair in love and war.
Fictional excerpt by yours truly. Hope you enjoyed!